you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
