Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
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