When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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