sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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