my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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