Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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