make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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