I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
