i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
