Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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