I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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