I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
