Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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