billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
a search helicopter?!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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