just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize