This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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