My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
