My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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