Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
