youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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