shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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