im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
