Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
