I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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