OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I fill condoms, not promises.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
