the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
