I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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