Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
