I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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