Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
