Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
