happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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