The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
