You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
