I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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