she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize