just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
