that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
