its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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