we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
