shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Buhtt sex?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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