I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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