If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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