I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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