Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
