Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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