I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
