My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
