she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize