We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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