fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
