my phone needs a breathalizer
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Enjoy the penises
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
