I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
