I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Michael Bay diarrhea
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
