my mouth tastes like poor choices
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
