Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
